I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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