I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize