She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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