Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
