I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
