Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
