I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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