Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
