Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
