Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I looked at my own cervix.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
