piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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