it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
