Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
