Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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