So drunk its hurt
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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