omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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