then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
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I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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