11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.