you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
