My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
