i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
