I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
