I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
