Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
