pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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