The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous