Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
