Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
