I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
