i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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