there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
