He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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