there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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