When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
