If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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