You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
