yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
