Soap is not a condiment
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
