I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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