I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
