The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
