To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
