Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
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Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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