Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
