Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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