I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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