Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
