I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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