you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
