There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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