Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
