Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
