i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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