the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
