her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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