There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
