So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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